Urgent support
If someone cannot stay safe
Call 999 or go to A&E after serious self-harm, overdose, immediate danger, or when somebody cannot stay safe. Otherwise use Debbie’s Get help now page for nation-specific urgent support.
Notice what is changing without losing today
Grief can begin before death, but the person is still here and may not want every interaction treated as a farewell.
A present-and-future balance
The aim is not to suppress grief or turn today into a memory project.
- Name one present loss and one thing still available.
- Choose an ordinary activity for today.
- Make or record memories only with consent.
- Ask about pre-bereavement support.
- Protect time for rest and relationships outside caring.
- Find somewhere to discuss future fear without requiring the ill person to carry it.
Questions that return attention to both people
There is room for grief and ordinary relationship.
- What am I grieving already?
- What does the person want from me today?
- Am I treating them as if they have already gone?
- Where can I speak freely without burdening them?
Ask before turning toward the future
The person may want ordinary time instead.
“I am frightened about the future, but I want to ask what matters to you today.”
“Would you like to make a memory, or simply spend ordinary time together?”
Grieving future and present losses while someone is alive
Anticipatory grief can include sadness, anger, fear, relief and mourning for roles or plans already changing. It can affect the ill person as well as those close to them.
Knowing a death may come can pull attention towards imagined future scenes. At the same time, treatment, caring and ordinary relationship life are still happening. Returning sometimes to what is true today does not deny the prognosis; it prevents the expected death from occupying every remaining interaction.
Memory-making and planning can help, but only with consent. The person is not a project and does not need to perform farewells. Pre-bereavement support from a hospice, counsellor, GP or specialist service can give difficult feelings somewhere to go without placing them all inside the relationship.
A practical way through it
Use the parts that fit your situation and leave the rest.
- Name each kind of lossSeparate what has already changed, such as mobility, roles or routines, from what you fear losing later. Different losses may need different practical or emotional support.
- Check today’s factsWhen your mind moves into a feared future, ask what is happening now, what the clinical team has actually said and what remains uncertain.
- Keep ordinary contact presentShare a meal, programme, joke or quiet routine that is not organised around dying. Let the ill person decide whether deeper conversation is welcome.
- Offer, do not assign, memoriesAsk whether photographs, recordings, letters or a memory box appeal. Accept no, pause when fatigue appears and avoid presenting the activity as a duty.
- Prepare without taking overWith permission, organise contacts and questions for future care. Keep the person’s choices central and revise plans when wishes or health change.
- Seek support before the deathAsk the hospice, palliative team, GP or a bereavement organisation about anticipatory-grief support, including help for children or carers where relevant.
What this can look like
Grief after a genuinely good day
After laughing with her wife all afternoon, Beth cries in the kitchen because the happiness reminds her what she expects to lose. She then feels guilty for “wasting” the day.
Allowing both realities
Beth names the grief privately and tells a trusted friend rather than asking her wife to remove it.
The next day they choose another ordinary activity; neither treats tears as proof that the good afternoon was false.
Recognise layered losses
- Grief can begin with changes that are already happening, not only a future death.
- Mixed feelings do not make the relationship less loving.
Stay in the present when possible
- Ask what matters today rather than living every moment inside the expected death.
- Take photographs, talk or make memories only when the person welcomes it.
Get support before bereavement
- Ask a hospice, GP, counsellor or peer service about pre-bereavement support.
- Seek help if distress is making everyday care or safety difficult.
A manageable next step
What you could do now
- Name one present loss and one thing that is still here.
- Ask a local hospice whether it offers support before bereavement.
- Choose one ordinary activity that keeps today visible.
Checked sources
Read the original guidance
We summarise carefully and link to the source so you can check the full, most current information. Sources were checked 9 September 2026.